Third trimester... week 28!

I'm officially starting my third trimester this week! Can't believe how fast time flies.

I had my week 28 ultrasound scan at the perinatal clinic today. Everything is looking great. The babies are growing as they should, and even a little more ahead than a singleton. Baby Boy was breeched today, weighing 2 lb 9 oz. today. Heartbeat rate was a strong 161 bpm. Baby Girl was actually head down, weighing above average at 2lb 13 oz. and heartbeat was also normal at 153 bpm.

After a thorough check, the perinatalogist confirmed that everything is looking great so far. Best part of the visit was this amazing shot of our Baby Girl's face today.

Unfortunately, Baby Boy was turned towards my back (again) and so we were not able to get any shots of him :( He's a stubborn one!

Our next appointment will be in 4 weeks... I will be 32 weeks then, which is so hard to imagine! In the meantime, the belly is growing, and growing fast!

Week 24 scan

Yesterday marked Week 24 of the pregnancy and I'm happy to report that everything is going well with our little ones. Baby Boy is still a boy (the tech confirmed it) and Baby Girl is still a girl. Baby Boy weighs 1lb 7 oz. and Baby Girl is 1lb 6 oz... both right on target. The anatomies look great and they are both developing well. Both had switched positions on us again... Baby Boy is now breached and Baby Girl is transverse towards the back.

We caught some glimpses of Baby Girl sucking a thumb (or some other finger) and got some good profile shots of her. Way too cute.

We didn't get too many good pictures of Baby Boy. He was wiggly as always, but the main reason we couldn't get a profile shot of him was he had his back turned to the ultrasound wand and he was facing his sister! (Awww, right?)

Both babies are positioned next to each other, heads facing each other:

So thankfully all is well. I do want to share about my somewhat interesting ultrasound session. About 1/3rd of the way into the scans, I started feeling really hot and sweaty, and all of a sudden my eyesight blurred and I couldn't see the screen in front of me any longer. Then when I heard ringing in my ears, I figured that I was about to black out. The ultrasound technician was great, she quickly jumped up to grab a wet towel and raised the chair up so that I could sit up.  With DH holding a wet towel to my forehead, they laid me on my sides and did a couple of scans that way, but after every few minutes, I was still feeling very light-headed. They finally called a nurse in to check my blood pressure but it was normal. So they thought it was because I had been laying flat on my back and the weight of the uterus was pushing against a major vein, blocking the blood flow to my heart and back to the brain. My OB came in and said this typically happens to about 20% of pregnant women; some even experience it sooner in their pregnancies. It was kinda scary but I learned my lesson... no more lying on my back!

My next OB visit is in 2 weeks for my glucose testing, and then a 28 week scan in 4 weeks. Can't believe how fast time is flying by!

Week 23

I haven't been posting for the last three weeks, but traveling and work have gotten somewhat in the way. Things are going smoothly so far and I'm feeling pretty good except for some occasional lower back pain and muscle spasms in my legs. But my appetite has grown and I'm feeling pretty energetic so far. Today's OB visit showed that I have gained 6 pounds in two weeks (!!), adding up to 11 total lbs of weight gain since the start of the pregnancy. The weight clearly shows, as you can see in this belly shot.

So far things are progressing normally and the twins are kicking and moving actively. At our OB visit today, they are still lying in odd positions, although there is still lots of time for them to move around and settle down. Our Baby Boy is in a transverse position and Baby Girl is still breached. We now see a new OB (in the same practice) who does an ultrasound at every visit, so it's been wonderful to be able to see the kiddos every two weeks now.

Next week, we will have our 24 week visit at the perinatal clinic. Holy cow, that'd be the six-month mark! Crossing my fingers that things will continue to move in the right direction.

20 week ultrasound: We're having...

Today marks the halfway point in my pregnancy, which calls for a celebration... with a fetal anatomy scan of course. So off we were, bright and early, to the perinatal clinic where I had literally an extremely thorough hour + ultrasound scan. We haven't seen the little babies since week 12, so we were extremely excited to be able to see how much they've developed in there. (Even though as you can clearly see, it's pretty obvious that things are developing out here).

Week 20 belly shot

So as the scan progressed, we learned that everything is going beautifully. Baby A, who is located more on my right, is measuring right at 11 ounces with a heartbeat rate of 155 bpm. Baby B, who is located more on my posterior left, is measuring at 12 ounces with a heartbeat rate of 144 bpm. Both have normal looking brains, hearts, faces, arms, legs, kidneys, stomachs, five fingers and five toes - yes they got that specific about it.

The ultrasound technician asked if we'd like to know the sex of the babies, and we were like, um, YEAH. At the first scan, the babies were a little shy (or stubborn, however you see it), but when she went back to rescan the sexes, they warmed up and decided to show it proud and loud. She identified Baby B first before figuring out Baby A, but allow me to introduce...

Baby A = Baby Boy!

Baby B = Baby Girl!

We are too overjoyed! One of each, which is truly great news to us (of course we'd have been excited with two boys or two girls as well). We were also privy to some in-utero sibling rivalry action today during the ultrasound, where Baby Boy was discovered kicking Baby Girl in the head. He is also the one that I have felt kicking me these past few days on the right. Funny enough, all day long, he has been extremely active and I could feel him wiggling and kicking away. And the best part is, DH got to finally feel him kick tonight!

Our next OB appointment is next week and in 4 weeks time, we get to see our little babies again. I am so grateful that our little family is falling right into place.

Think I felt a kick

While DH is away out of town, I decided to read to the little ones before bedtime. After I had finished reading, I placed my palm on my belly and pressed down gently. I felt an actual KICK! It's hard to describe how it feels... it was almost like the feeling of a bubble popping? Anyway, I pressed down on the same spot again, and the kick came back again. We did this for a couple more times before the twin got tired of this little game, I guess.

Still looking forward to the day when I can actively feel them move. 

19 weeks and counting...

Quick update: we're almost at the halfway mark!! OB visit this morning went well and we heard both babies' heartbeats. In fact, while the OB was scanning for the heartbeats, he said he felt the babies move. I'm still looking forward to actively feeling them move and kick... so far, I do feel little flutters in there but only when I gently press my palm against my belly. My fundal height was measured as normal as well. We also asked about my the results from my last bloodwork (that tested for spina bifida), and the OB said that the results were normal.

So all around good news and good progress, except for the fact that my weight gain is extremely slow (only 1 lb gained from our last visit). This surprises us considering how much I've been trying to pile on the pounds (and clearly, the belly is growing). The OB wasn't too worried, however, but promised that we will monitor my weight. Since I'll be reaching week 20 next week, I have to start going in for OB visits every two weeks.

One more week to our fetal anatomy scan at the perinatal clinic!

16 weeks

Two things to know: 1) the bump is growing and 2) maternity pants ROCK!

We also celebrated reaching our 16 week milestone with DH reading to our babies for the first time. We read Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You Will Go!" a book to be read in-utero. DH did a fantastic job and I almost cried from the reading.

Things are going well so far - we really couldn't ask for more.

Pregnancy announcement

It is our 5 year anniversary, so DH and I decided to share our good news with this picture on Facebook (we're big Illini fans, if you can't tell).

15 week 1 day visit

We were back in again at the OB's office for my first visit since entering the second trimester. Throughout this time, we also found out that my original OB doesn't actually do deliveries anymore, which I was very, very sad about, but he recommended two other OBs in his practice. So we met with Dr. Crane today, who is likely the OB that will be delivering the twins especially if we had a scheduled C-section. We got an overall good feel about his expertise, albeit being rushed through our appointment a little.

I had more blood drawn for the alpha-fetoprotein (AFP) test, which we were told, was often done in conjunction with the first trimester screening that we did in week 11. So the test will give us more confirmation that the babies have a low risk of being born with trisomy 21 or 18 as well as check for markers of other diseases like spina bifida in the babies. For some reason, I thought we were already in the clear with a normal result in our first trimester screening... but I guess more confirmatory tests are always a good idea. I was however, relieved when Dr. Crane strongly recommended against doing any further testing (like an amnio) since the first trimester screen showed our risk to be in the lowest range possible.

Other than that, today's visit was short and a bit uneventful. DH and I were hoping for an ultrasound to see how the two little ones are doing, but we were discouraged when we didn't see an ultrasound machine in the room we were in. Instead, Dr. Crane used a pocket-size handheld Doppler to check the heartbeats of the babies. One baby's heartbeat was heard almost immediately, but he took a little time finding the second heartbeat (as you can imagine, LONGEST 10 seconds of my life). But he finally found it; he thought the second baby was just snuggling in a bit deeper towards the back of the uterus. He then took a measuring tape and measured the size of my uterus (fundal height), which he said was normal.

We then discussed a bit about delivery options. Dr. Crane asked if I was even considering a natural birth, and I just told him that I would do whatever option that is safest for the babies. In a nutshell, he said the safest option for twin pregnancies is often a C-section and the safest option for the mother is a natural birth, but the worst possible situation would be to deliver the first baby vaginally and then be forced to deliver the second baby in an emergency C-section. We do have plenty of time to think about this and we can certainly make more informed decisions when we are able to see how the twins are positioned.

Anyway, so far so good! Dr. Crane thought everything is looking great. We're due back in the OB's office in 4 weeks (he wants to see me every 4 weeks before week 20 and then every two weeks from week 20 through birth). No cool pictures today, unfortunately... Guess we'll have to wait for the 20 week appointment at the perinatal clinic in 5 weeks.

Reaching my second trimester

I have to say, just a few months ago, it never even entered my mind that I would be 13 weeks pregnant today. We were trying so hard to be pregnant, our lives just consumed with numerous visits to the infertility clinic, an insane amount of pills and timed injections, and lots and lots of anxiety and uncertainty.  We had maybe a tiny glimmer of hope that kept us pushing through the journey. But believe me, it was only a tiny glimmer. It was so small that we became too afraid to think of a positive outcome, since it would only disappoint us if we got our hopes up.

Ever since we got that positive pregnancy test, I've been pinching myself (figuratively, not literally) almost every day to make sure that I am not dreaming. To be where we are today, to be pregnant, to have reached the second trimester... today being today just made all of the blood, sweat, and tears over the last three years so worth it. I know that there are too many couples out there who are still trying, testing, hoping, crying, praying, wishing, dreaming. Some have been in this journey for years, far beyond what DH and I had to endure. I think about them and of our journey very often because I want to always remind myself (and DH) to never ever take where we are today, and our children, for granted.

First trimester screening = normal!

Heard back from the perinatal clinic today. The NT test and blood test from the first trimester screening came back normal, showing a low risk of Down syndrome or trisomy 18. What a relief!

First trimester screening (11 weeks 5 days)

Well believe it or not, we're about a week and a few days away from the start of our second trimester. We had our first trimester screening today and if you recall, the first trimester screening is an optional screening test for Down Syndrome and Trisomy 18.

I am happy to report that this visit went really well. Since we're having twins, I had to have my appointment at a perinatal clinic that specializes in high-risk pregnancies. The clinic was located on the hospital grounds of where I plan to deliver, so it was nice to see that we'd only be about 3 minutes away from the hospital (after we move to our new place in early Fall).

The visit was also far less overwhelming than my first OB visit, perhaps having had the information sunk in a lot earlier. The ultrasound technician did a pretty lengthy 30 minute ultrasound scan, taking over 20 pictures of every possible angle and measuring everything possible (I only came home with a few duplicates though). But today also marked another first... I got to see my babies in 3D, which was very, very cool. I didn't catch their length and weight measurements, but I did get to hear their wonderful heartbeats again and caught glimpses of the outlines of their brains, stomachs, and the umbilical cords.

The great news is that they are both growing normally, in accordance to their estimated due date. The tech said they're also reacting to the pressure from the ultrasound wand, which was a good sign. As a part of the screening, she measured the nuchal translucency (NT), which is almost like a pocket of fluid behind the baby's neck. Both of the babies had the fluid visible, but both appeared to measure within normal ranges.

By the way, the tech kept chuckling as she did the ultrasound since both babies were rather squirmy and active, and it was initially difficult for her to get some good shots of them. She even predicted that Baby A will be our stubborn child, since he/she was REALLY not cooperating with having his/her picture taken. But after much prodding (via ultrasound wand), she finally managed to get some good angles on him/her. Here are the 3D scans:

Profile of Baby A (heartbeat was 168 bpm)

Front of Baby B (heartbeat was 169 bpm). In case you are wondering, no he/she isn't putting itself in a chokehold. The doctor said those lines by the head were just parts of the skull.

After the tech left the room, the perinatalogist came in and did another ultrasound, verifying everything that the tech had said. Her exact words were, "You can leave the clinic today knowing that the ultrasound is normal." What a relief to hear. She then went over some of my and DH's genetic history and reviewed some future steps in the unlikely event (she was very careful to say this) that the blood test comes back indicating a higher risk for Down Syndrome or Trisomy 18. Fingers crossed we won't have to go there!!! A painful finger prick later and some blood drawn, and I was home free. We should be expecting the results in about 3-5 days.

I was also reminded to come back for my 20 week fetal anatomy screening where we will most likely learn the gender of the babies, which will be in 8 short weeks! I can't wait. Any predictions so far?

9 weeks 6 days OB visit

Went for my first OB visit today. First and foremost, everything is looking great with the twins today. The gestational sacs look healthy and so do both babies. In fact they were finally big enough to see with an abdominal ultrasound (they're about 1 inch long right now). While my OB didn't measure the heart rates or the fetal growth today (so sorry, no cool pictures today), the heartbeats were visible on the screen. In fact the ultrasound caught Baby A breaking into a series of different moves - first time I was able to visibly see fetal movement, which of course, was very cool.

But man oh man was today an overwhelming day. I gotta say, I'm kinda missing my fertility clinic a little bit with their handholding and my nurse's personalized attention and follow through. Perhaps I should have mentally prepared for this first visit. They asked us a million and one questions about our health history and family history, and in return, threw us a million and one pieces of information. The doctor then went over this abbreviated overwhelming list of topics:

1. Cord blood banking and see if my insurance covers it (it doesn't)
2. Alcohol is bad
3. A possible early delivery date (we are to expect an EDD of somewhere in week 36, which will be early November)
4. The possibility of a C-section, which we will have to do if one of the babies is breached.
5. First trimester screening between weeks 11 - 13 (which is like over the next two weeks) to screen for Down Syndrome and other trisomy disorders.
6. The choices we'd have if the screening comes back positive, including what the law says is legal (you can imagine my panic level at this point)
7. Other tests we should do if the test comes back positive or negative
8. The risks of miscarriages if we do other tests
9. Types of cheeses and fishes I should not eat
10. Types of cheeses and fishes I should eat
11. How to cook steak (he talked a lot about food)
12. Caffeine consumption (which he says I'm clear to have - whoopee!)
13. Makes sure DH cleans the cat litter
14. My symptoms and when they should go away
15. Stop zumba or kickboxing.
16. Light walking or running is fine, as long as my heart rate does not exceed 140 bpm.
17. That I will be seeing the OB at least once a month because of the twins (oh joy).

Right now I'm trying to digest it all and also schedule my appointment for the first trimester screening next week. Because I am carrying twins, unfortunately I will have to go to the perinatal clinic at the hospital for the screening, since it is considered high risk. Hopefully all continues to go well.

8 weeks 1 day ultrasound

We had our last visit at the fertility clinic today. According to the RE, everything is looking great in there. Here are some pictures from this morning's monitoring.

OK I just have to share the twins' portrait first. This picture is my absolute favorite because Baby A (on the left) looks like he/she is waving on the screen. Baby B just kinda lazes around (already taking after me apparently).

Twins' portrait

Baby A measures 17.03 mm, right at 8 weeks 1 day.

Baby A

Of course we had to take videos of the heartbeats again this morning. My favorite sounds in the world so far! Our Baby A's heartbeat was a strong 178 bpm.

We were also happily bemused when the doctor announced that both babies are now developmentally the same gestational age (they were one day apart in our last ultrasound). 

Baby B

Baby B measures 17.06 mm, also at 8 weeks 1 day.

And here's the heartbeat for our little Baby B at 174 bpm.

Bloodwork results are normal as well. My beta numbers are up to 162,791 and my progesterone level is looking good. In fact, they are stopping my progesterone in oil shots (I can almost break into a happy dance for this one because as you know, they are brutal), estrace, and metformin. I'm now on progesterone suppositories twice a day, which is probably a million times better than these shots. And I'm down from taking 12 pills a day to only 3... what a win for me!

We left our clinic today with a big smile and a bunch of parting gifts: a USB of our ultrasound pictures, a parenting magazine, and my medical records. The nurse said this morning, "Congratulations, you've graduated from the clinic!" Graduating from the clinic sounds about right because truly, I feel like we have accomplished something. Something meaningful, something truly amazing that's nothing short of a miracle. We are pregnant and in a few months, we are going to be parents. We are building our family. The joy of just getting to where we are today is truly a triumphant one for us, given the odds.

This afternoon, after my nurse's update on my bloodwork, we said a joyous but bittersweet goodbye to each other. After over three years of trying to conceive, it's hard not to feel emotional about the wonderful people that you meet throughout this journey. Hopefully we'll continue to meet wonderful folks who will support us for the next part of our journey.

Well, what's next? We're now moving forward to my regular OBGYN, who will continue to care for the pregnancy for the next 8 months. We have an appointment on May 8th (one that is thankfully NOT at the crack of dawn anymore). Hopefully things continue to go smooth sailing for our little ones in there.

Ultrasound 2: Two heartbeats!

We were in for our second ultrasound today, after 10 days of anxiously waiting (but seemed a lot longer). At one point I got so impatient, I almost called the nurse last week to see if I was able to come in on Friday instead. I'm glad I waited.

Yes, as the blog title goes, we have TWO heartbeats! DH was there with me again this morning, holding my hand as the doctor did the ultrasound. The doctor immediately saw the heartbeat of Baby A (I had trouble seeing from where I was lying) but DH, who had a MUCH better angle, said it was like watching a really cool flicker on the screen.

We whipped out my IPhone to try to capture the scene on camera but it is still a bit hard to see. We did however, capture the moment we heard these beautiful sounds:

Baby A measured 6.3 mm and is currently 6 weeks 3 days old. Heartbeat was a strong 113 bpm.

Baby B measured 7.32 mm and is currently 6 weeks 4 days old. The doctor said that it's pretty normal for fraternal twins to be a day or so apart. Heartbeat was 125 bpm. I immediately teared up after hearing Baby B's heartbeat too... possibly out of relief that they're both still there, hanging on strong. We are just so, so grateful and hope that they will continue to develop normally.

More ultrasound pictures... you can tell they're starting to look more and more like a baby:

Baby A

Baby B

Both together - looks almost yin yang, doesn't it?

We are SO over the moon right now. Just so grateful. And this certainly makes all of the shots and the gazillion different medications totally worthwhile.

Bloodwork results came back this afternoon, and my beta numbers are 78,271 and progesterone level is 19. We're due back in 10 days for another bloodwork and ultrasound and then we are told to make an appointment with my regular OBGYN. Hopefully that means I'm close to graduating from the fertility clinic.

Our estimated due date now is December 5th, although with twins, it is possible for an earlier due date.

Beta #3 and First Ultrasound

Finally, after what seems to be a standstill of a week, we finally went in for our first ultrasound with great anticipation. The doctor sticks the magic wand in and we got our first glimpse of what's going on in there. Here's what we saw:

Baby A

and... wait for it...

 

Baby B

So yes, folks, we have confirmation that both embryos took. DH dubbed them as "Walker" and "Texas Ranger" (from one of our favorite Will Ferrell movies, Talledega Nights)

DH and I were pretty much left in disbelief. We held hands as the doctor showed us the parts of the forming yolk sacs. From the first two pictures, you can see a whitish line separating two parts of the embryo - according to the doctor, that's quite possibly where the baby will begin to grow. But everything looks great so far - the embryos implanted where they should be and they measure at a normal length at this point in time.

We are feeling very, very overjoyed. Seeing truly is believing and seeing them for the first time today made it real that we are actually having a baby x2 (well, the nausea and unbelievable fatigue ALSO make it real for me, but this really struck us today). DH had tears well up in his eyes when the doctor left, as we just sat and stared at the screen for a few short moments. Finally, we are pregnant.

We sat in the parking lot and immediately called our parents and our siblings with the good news, even though we had initially thought we'd wait until we hear the heartbeats. But we were just far too excited to share the news. No doubt, both sets of parents are thrilled - these being the first grandchildren for both sides of the family. My dad, being a traditional Chinese man, was all too joyful that we will be having Year of the Dragon babies... something we never even thought about. I just read an article on the Wall Street Journal that talks about how so many Chinese parents (even fertile ones) are doing IVF just to have the chance to get a Dragon child, who is considered lucky and auspicious. Hopefully we're off to a good start!

My beta number came in at a whopping 15,398 and my progesterone level is at 18. The nurse who called was pretty happy with my progress and said that our ultrasound pictures looked "beautiful" today. She sounded pretty excited, which made me excited. We are due back in for a second ultrasound on April 16th. Hopefully we'll have a chance to see and/or hear the heartbeats.

While there's certainly lots to think and worry about with twins, I would not trade this for anything else in the world. We are just extremely thankful and feel so blessed.

Beta #2

Went in for my second beta test today to make sure that my HCG beta numbers are doubling up. And they were! Today's beta = 791.

Our first ultrasound is in a week. I just hope so much that this week goes by without a hitch.

First beta

Our first beta comes in at 388! The speculation right now is that both our embryos took... and so we may be expecting twins. Deep breaths.

HOLY MOLY. This is really happening.

Surprising DH with the news :)

Drumroll please

Three words I didn't think I'd say today: I am pregnant.

Holy cow, that feels strange saying that.

OK two versions of the story, the quick and dirty facts versus the gory details (it's actually not that gory; kinda funny really). Scroll all the way down for the short version.

Long version
So yesterday morning, I woke up having no more cramps but started spotting after I got out of the shower. I thought, "Crap," since it'd be too late for implantation bleeding, which could only mean one thing... my period was coming and the cycle wasn't going to work. After crying my eyes out, first to DH, then to myself on my way to work, I sought out my friends on the online fertility community for strength and support. These women quickly told me that spotting was extremely normal during IVF (which of course, I did not know!) They also encouraged (OK, more like gently coerced) me to POAS yesterday. From my previous post, you know how I feel about POAS, but after debating back and forth about it (mostly with myself), I decided to do it after I got home.

After sitting around for 4 hours uncomfortably without a bathroom break, around 9 pm, I decided to take the plunge. DH was on the phone with his dad, and that made it easier really because a) I honestly didn't want to tell him if it was a negative (since we kinda already knew that morning) and b) I love a good surprise. So I snuck in the bathroom with my pregnancy test and IPhone, went to town with the test and started the timer.

The test said to wait three minutes before looking at the results, but IMMEDIATELY, the second line came up on the test.

My first time ever looking at two lines, instead of one!

So here's my initial reaction, "Whoa, wait. Oh my god!" Then my face got super flushed and I swear, my nose started to bleed. Like, profusely bleed. So there I was trying to stick my head up to keep the blood from going everywhere and at the same time, trying to look at the pregnancy test to convince myself that I wasn't seeing double. When I finally did manage to stop the nosebleed, I took the stick, moved it under the light, waved it around the bathroom like some lunatic, then closed my eyes and opened it again, silently praying that the second line won't disappear when I open my eyes again.

Nope, still there. In fact the second line was darker than the control line.

Wow.

OK here's the short version
I POAS and the test was positive!

DH's reaction was priceless (I'll post that next). Beta results in a few hours. Hopefully, we're off to a good start.

Going through the nine-day wait

Well I thought I'd write a quick update about how this week has been going. It has been slooowwww. Thankfully for my job, which keeps me fairly busy most of the time, I've been somewhat preoccupied, trying to "not think about it," which is the advice I've gotten from the online communities. Definitely easier said than done. I am really trying to refrain myself from analyzing each and every symptom I think I am experiencing (or I think I should be experiencing), but just like at the bank or at the DMV, you get impatient when you have to wait.

Following the advice of the nurse, I literally was bed-ridden for the rest of Monday after we got home from the transfer. Which was fine for me since I was pretty exhausted after the procedure. Tuesday, I was mostly couch-bound and relaxing, but whenever I was forced to walk, I willed myself to tread the ground as lightly as possible. I was unfortunately back to work in full force on Wednesday and beyond... and now we're here at the end of the week. But overall, I have been taking it easy though this week: no major cleaning sprees, no laundry, and no gym.

Someone on a fertility community asked me if I was going to POAS (i.e., pee on a stick) before my blood test next Wednesday. I told her I didn't know, and really, I don't, because of the various scenarios and subscenarios that are playing out in my head. Here's a short synopsis of what's currently happening; by the way, this barely scratches the surface of what's going through my mind:

Scenario A: We get a positive
Subscenario (Sub) A1: Woohoo!
Sub A2: Wait a sec, would that be a true positive though?
Sub A3: Can we be happy about the positive or could it simply indicate a chemical pregnancy?
(And then we'll worry and worry all weekend until the beta test.)

Scenario B: We get a negative
Sub B1: Would that be a true negative? Maybe we tested too early.
Sub B2: Maybe we test again the next day. Maybe it's a negative again. Maybe we tested too early.
Sub B3: Test again the following day. Should I bust open the booze or maybe we tested too early again?
(And then we'll worry and worry all weekend until the beta test.)

So, in light of the fact that we'll incessantly worry all weekend (or at least, I will), regardless of what the pee stick says, I thought to myself, why test at all? I might as well just enjoy the weekend with DH and whatever happens next week during the beta test, happens. We have no choice but to accept the news, good or bad it may be.

Two blastocysts transfered!

Today finally arrived! In spite of all my anxieties, everything worked out well. I had a great night's sleep, got to work in a good mood, and received the call from the clinic at 11:16 am (RIGHT after my class ended). The nurse told us that our transfer is scheduled for that afternoon and we should be in the clinic by 1 pm. Aside from some customer service snafus (we got there at 12:30 pm and didn't get called in until 2 pm), we were prepped and ready to go by 3 pm.

Ready to do this!

By the way, I opted to do laser acupuncture before and after the transfer. It was my first time with acupuncture but I didn't really feel anything - just felt a little sleepy after the acupuncturist left.

So the actual transfer itself took an entire 10 minutes. It was a success. Before the procedure started, the doctor actually gave us a picture of our blastocysts. The one on the top left is actually a hatching blastocyst, which is a good thing, because it is developing at a more advanced level. I can't stop staring at this picture, thinking how awesome it is to actually see a product of the IVF process.

Brian calls them "Thing 1" and "Thing 2"

I am instructed to be on bedrest today and as much as possible tomorrow. So I am lying in bed now in my pajamas typing this with Investigation Discovery on TV... I have similarly big plans for tomorrow. It is admittedly a little difficult trying to type one-handed while I am lying flat on the bed; I don't want to put my laptop on my belly area. Silly as it sounds, I don't want to squish 'em. So I will report more when I am not so... horizontal.

The stage is set...

This morning's ultrasound result: a "12 Type 3" uterine lining. Which means I have a 12 mm endometrial lining and Type 3 indicates the presence of "triple stripe": both factors ideal for implantation. From what I've read online, I kinda knew it was good news. This morning's RE agreed with me. His exact words were, "That looks good. Actually, no. That looks excellent. It is ready for pregnancy." Boy am I glad my uterus decided to jump on board with the plan because we sure are ready for it too!

Special thanks to DH for hard work of injecting those mammoth progesterone-in-oil shots every night. I know he gets slightly traumatized every time he has to do it, but he has been a real "DH" (darling husband, in the fertility community lingo) indeed.

So it looks like everything is where it should be at this point. The estrogen pills and progesterone shots have helped make a plushy environment for the incoming embryos. Hopefully they will make themselves at home for the next nine months. And why wouldn't they, right? I'm a pretty nice landlady, I don't charge rent, I don't pry (well, not all the time), and there won't be any noise complaints from the neighbors. Plus, they get free food, occasionally, awesome free food like cookies and Thai food. Clothing is optional in there AND they get a free playground to practice their kicks and gymnastic prowess.

Hmm, maybe I should also hang a sign in there that says, "Free college if you stay" in there, just for good measure?

One worry down, about a thousand more to go. Tonight, I am instructed to take metrogel (a suppository to prevent possible infections) and tomorrow, a high dose progesterone suppository right before the transfer. Then tomorrow anytime between 7 am - 12 pm, the clinic calls to confirm two things: a) if our embryos survive the thaw, and b) the time of our transfer. From what I've heard, our clinic has an excellent thaw rate. I will be in back-to-back classes until 11:15 am, but my nurse has assured me that it will be fine and I should try to relax on my way there. Easier said than done.

Hope to report good news tomorrow... and after that, the waiting game begins.

A new meaning to being cheeky

I had my first progesterone in oil shot, in the "upper quadrant of my thigh" (aka my glutinous maximus ... aka my butt) tonight. As we unwrapped the syringe and needle packet, admittedly, we both began hyperventilating at the sight of just how freaking HUGE it is. And if that isn't enough to induce panic, check out this "instructional video" that the clinic had us watch (click on Progesterone).

DH played along like a trooper - even though I could tell that he was worried about hurting me (especially after watching that awesome video - that's right, folks, you do it in a quick stabby motion). So even though I was a nervous wreck myself, I kinda put on my big girl pants (or rather, took them off) and mustered small ounces of bravery. And honestly, it went well. It hurt a little but not as bad as anticipated. Maybe there's a reason they have you do it in the glutinous maximus area.

Truthfully though, the low-dose HCG shots I took in my fresh cycle were far, far worse than the one I had tonight. Maybe after a week of doing this, I'll feel quite differently about them.

Anyway, following the advice of many women online, I rested on the bed with a hot water bottle on my behind. It helped tremendously. Now try getting that image out of your head.

One pill two pill red pill blue pill

Alright, my yet-to-be-conceived child. Anytime you start to whine about how "life is unfair" (which you will) or how "mom is mean" (which I am, ha-ha), here's what I had to go through to make sure you have a "nice comfy home" for the next nine months:

To prep for implantation:

TWELVE pills and one progesterone-in-oil shot every night for X amount of time

And how do I do those shots? Using a syringe with a needle that's longer than my hand of course!

Ai-yi-yi

OK granted I have some freakishly small hands, but I think even DH was slightly taken aback by the look of these needles when I showed them to him this morning. He may not be that giddy happy giving me these shots after all.

Embryo transfer is scheduled

This morning's monitoring went as well as anticipated. My uterine lining is up to a "9.5 Type 1," and from my reading online, it sounds like a lining above 8 mm in general, is something doctors like to see. The doctor that examined me this morning even said that my uterus looks "beautiful" - I guess you need to somehow get excited over these little things!

So now believe it or not, I have a schedule. I continue my estrace pills and then start the much dreaded progesterone-in-oil shots on Wednesday, which will continue until who knows when. Antibiotics and steroids start on Wednesday as well for a week. The upside is that this is a good week to get drugged up since I have the week off for spring break.

I'm due back in again on Sunday for more bloodwork and ultrasound, and the very next day, Monday, March 13, we will thaw and transfer two embryos in the afternoon. DH will be there with me and I can't wait. The nurse just reconfirmed that we are transferring two embryos, and I said yes. That'll increase our chances that at least one would implant and I am hopeful, REALLY hopeful that this is our time, our chance to finally have a successful pregnancy.

A cooperative uterus

"Your uterus is cooperating nicely," my RE said this morning. Only in a fertility clinic.

It's day 5 of my frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle and things are looking great. I've been on estrace twice a day and my uterus lining is at "6 Type 1." I honestly don't know what that means (probably should find out) but the RE said that they usually start progesterone at "7 Type 1" so he thinks I'm actually about 90% to my ideal uterus lining. He also thought that I'm actually ahead of schedule, so it seems that we may be able to transfer sooner than anticipated. Fingers crossed, people.

My estrace is now increased to 3 times a day. (Yay, more estrogen). Honestly though, I am not feeling much side effects from the estrace, except that I feel like I usually do mid-cycle (right before ovulation)... even though I know it's technically just days since my cycle began. I guess that's the beauty of a synthetic cycle - they can manipulate your cycle to fit the timing of an embryo transfer right down to a tee.

I'm back in for monitoring in 5 days, and then I believe the ever-so-dreaded progesterone-in-oil shots will begin. I honestly had a mini panic attack when the package from the pharmacy arrived yesterday. From what I have read online, it will literally be a pain in the butt.

In the words of Budweiser... here we go

Just got off the phone with my nurse. She seemed very surprised that my "Aunt Flo" is already here and we are already starting a new FET cycle. I am back to morning monitoring tomorrow and if all looks good so far, I will begin estrace.

(Oh boy, won't DH be thrilled when I tell him that we're pumping more estrogen into my already fragile hormonal state of being.)

So the nurse thinks that if all goes well and my lining thickens as it should, we could be looking at a transfer date somewhere on the week of March 19th. I actually wish it was a week earlier, not just because I'm antsy to get started, but because it's spring break, which would have been perfect timing for me.

Lots of thoughts starting to race through my head again, which to be honest, I've enjoyed being without this week, since we found out that our cycle was canceled last Friday. It amazes me how quickly the week goes by and how more productive I feel at work when infertility is not constantly on my mind. We've actually had more meals this week not discussing my cycle and I haven't had to jump off the couch right in the middle of our TV show shouting, "Crap, it's almost 8 pm! I need my Lupron shot!" Yes, this has been quite a pleasant week.

So here we go... we start again tomorrow.

But I'm usually an A student

So our blastocysts received grades of 4CC, two 4BC's, and one 3BC. Immediately I thought, "crap, they're not great." However, after reading up some online sources on blastocyst grading, I am concluding that we're at a "not bad" at this point. The two BC's are a little better than the other two and my guess is that they will go with these two lucky balls of cells for our next transfer.

Speaking of our next transfer, not sure when that's going to be yet. While I'm kinda dreading a new cycle beginning even before I had time to recover from the last cycle, I'm quite ready to get this process going for us and have the opportunity to really try to conceive! I know that sounds silly since we've started this process a year ago (and before that, trying naturally for almost 2 years). However, it just seems that we always start a cycle only to have something else get in the way. I guess I'm looking forward to having one cycle where things happen exactly when/how they are supposed to.

I'm annoyed with the Pope

I never thought I'd write a blog entry with this title, but there is a first time for everything. I am annoyed with the Pope. He issued a statement recently saying that married couples should shun IVF and all artificial forms of conception, and that adopting these methods of conception reflect a form of human arrogance. In fact, he said, you should only be able to conceive by having sex naturally.

Whoa. Alert the presses. Maybe we were doing it wrong all this time! *doink*

As you can tell, I have a couple of issues with this statement. First, this statement is coming from a single, celibate man. (I guess I could just stop at one, but it wouldn't be a very interesting blog post).

Second, while we aren't particularly religious, we respect those who are or aren't. But I am annoyed when some religious figure (who again, will never have to worry about this problem himself) tries to impose his will and religious beliefs onto others.

Third issue is this: the idea that ANY of the entire fertility treatment process reflects human arrogance, is just ludicrous and ignorant. Does he really believe that infertile couples or individuals are utilizing reproductive technologies simply because of arrogance? Let's analyze a synopsis of what we have done in this process (so far):

• Splaying my legs open in stirrups to a doctor at 6:30 am clinic visits (not arrogant)
• Getting ultrasound probed and having an ungodly amount of blood drawn (not arrogant)
• Making "deposits" into a plastic cup with your name on it, after given some "personal time" with a 1980's dirty magazine and a VCR (not arrogant)
• Having to tell the nurse that you've made the deposit and wait in line to deposit the "deposit" to the andrology lab (definitely not arrogant)
• Being placed under anesthesia, while a doctor harvests my eggs with a long but very sharp needle (sounds like a science experiment, but still not arrogant)
• Injecting shot after shot after shot of painful, raging, mood-inducing hormones with questionable substance compounds (stupid, but not arrogant) 
• Peeing on a stick, and then prancing back and forth in that bathroom waiting for that magical second line that has never appeared for us (sad and disappointing, every single time)

All of these reflect, if anything, a degree of desperation - a far cry from being arrogant. In fact, I'd argue, it is the complete opposite of human arrogance. Infertility means having to admit to the world that you have difficulty conceiving, a basic human function and desire for most people. It takes away hopes and dreams, and exposes you to a very raw form of human emotion. Without reproductive technologies, we would be nowhere closer towards achieving our hope and dream of having a child.

Reproductive technologies, I surmise, in the words of believers, are god-sent, created for the sole reason of fulfilling one's basic human desire to have a child. I mean, if everything was to take its course naturally, then the invention of medicine in general is pointless. Why invent penicillin? Why find a cure for cancer or AIDS?

What the Pope and so many others need to comprehend is that infertility is a disease, and it is not a proud one. You don't see anyone screaming off the rooftops: "I have low sperm count!!!" or "I cannot ovulate on my own!!!" While I do acknowledge the hand we've been dealt, I refuse to accept it at face value and wait around for a miracle to happen. I am not backing down without a fight.

Some miracles are meant to be made. And not anyone, not even the Pope, can make us believe otherwise.

And then there were four

Call from the embryologist: We have four blastocysts that made the cut to be cryopreserved. That's good, I guess... four out of the original seven fertilized embryos. We won't hear back from them until a few days later when they will share with us the results of the embryo's grades.

So now we wait some more.

Note on wall: "Bang Head Here"

Sigh. I thought we were on a roll with good news.

We got a call from the clinic today that our embryos are not ready for transfer tomorrow, as planned. Out of the seven fertilized embryos, 6 made it to morula stage. Unfortunately, because none have transformed into blasts yet, our RE really wanted them to grow for an extra day or so to see which ones make it to blastocysts.

I asked why we couldn't just transfer on Sunday (a day later instead). Unfortunately, because there is dysynchrony between my uterine lining and the embryo growth, it would not be the most ideal situation for successful implantation.  The RE explained it to me this way: our embryos were growing at like day 4 1/2, while my uterine lining was at day 6. Even though the difference is literally a 12-24 hour window, it lowers our pregnancy rates dramatically.

So we were basically left at a crossroads: cancel the cycle completely and dispose of our embryos, or cancel the transfer, freeze the blasts that make it into day 6, and do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in the next cycle. I did a bunch of research and asked a lot of questions before we made a decision. It somehow choked me to think that a morula consists of 10 - 30 cells. 10-30 cells that will continue to divide and hopefully form a human being. 10-30 cells of our combined DNA, our potential offspring. At this stage, these tiny cells became less of an abstract outcome of science and more of a miracle of life.

Cost-aside, we were advised that FET would be the option to give the best chance possible for those embryos (and for ourselves).

However, cost WAS an issue as our insurance does not cover cryopreservations, and so it'd have to be out of pocket. Upon sharing our concerns about cost, my RE actually gave us a 25% discount on cryo because she really wanted this to happen for us and didn't want cost to be standing in our way. I love my RE!

Well, so that is where we are. Truth be told, we are disappointed but the results could have been so much worse. At least we have 6 embryos that seem to be making it at this point! On the other hand, it means more waiting, more meds, another cycle to endure. Everything in this cycle was going right... so it sucked to have another bump in the road to parenthood. Patience is truly a virtue in the IVF process.

The clinic will call us back tomorrow with the number of blasts that get frozen. Meanwhile, I guess I should make the most of it. I could use a drink anyway.

No news is still good news

Thankfully, still no call from the clinic, so I'm strongly holding on to the hope that things are still going well, our 7 embryos are still holding strong and are chugging along fine. Admittedly, I've been quite... okay, VERY preoccupied this week, googling up a storm for more information on IVF that I've read over and over again. I'm starting to think I'm going crazy because I keep doing the same thing and I'm nowhere closer to feeling completely at ease. I've also been visiting many online fertility communities, desperately trying to find other women who are going as crazy as I am this week. (Incredibly, I found a woman who not only goes to the same clinic as I do, but she also had her embryo retrieval on Sunday - the day that I did - by the SAME doctor!) I feel like I have a cycle buddy!

In two days, we'll find out how many of our 7 embryos made it through the ringer. DH and I are super anxious... I'm worried sick if we don't have any (or too few) embryos to transfer, whereas DH is super anxious if we have all 7 embryos and they'll have to pick two really good ones. We've opted not to do cryopreservation this cycle, given the cost and given that this is our first attempt at IVF. Fortunately, we have excellent health benefits that will extend up to 4 IVFs per lifetime... but of course, hopefully we'll only need one successful cycle to lead to one successful pregnancy, and that'd be it!

More updates on Friday.

Fertilization results

It was really weird but I dreamed all night about how many of my eggs would get fertilized. Being the objective pessimist that I am, I think the final count was two, and so I woke up feeling very grumpy about my dream.

Fortunately dreams do not always come true, and I'm happy to say that we have more than 2 eggs fertilized. "Good job!" said the nurse (which she almost always never does, since she usually delivers us bad news). Out of the 10 eggs, 8 were mature. They ICSIed all 8 eggs, and out of the 8, seven were successfully fertilized!

It is kinda amazing to think that right now, there are seven tiny little mini-us's floating around in a petri dish, where I can just envision this kind of conversation happening:

Zygote 1: Yo, what's happening?
Zygote 2: Not much, just dividin'.

Boy, do I crack myself up.

So now we wait until Friday, when we'll get an update on the embryos, which will hopefully be blastocysts by then. If all goes well, the nurse estimates that we're likely doing a Saturday transfer. Until then, I will keep my fingers, toes, eyes, arms, legs crossed, silently praying for more happy news to come our way.

Ten eggs retrieved!

Thought I'd quickly blog about this morning's retrieval and how the process went for us. I'm a little groggy and sore as I type this, but here goes:

After yet another restless night, we got to the clinic around 9:45 am, signed in, and not too long after, DH was called in to the collection room. I waited around for a bit before I was then called to go in to the back wing of the clinic, which I honestly never knew existed. Suddenly the hustle and bustle of the morning monitoring folks disappeared and I ended up stumbling down this empty hallway that slowly looked more and more like a hospital. I was directed to the recovery and procedure room where I was greeted by a super friendly nurse and another kinda-friendly one. The room had maybe five beds, each separated by tall curtains.

Super Friendly Nurse took my vitals (my BP was a little higher, so she thought that I must be nervous... um, yeah) and then asked me to strip down into a pink hospital gown, hair cover and booties. They even throw in a bathrobe for you, coz you know, we're VIP and stuff. When she left, despite my nervousness, I still had the foresight to quietly snap a picture of me in hospital gear.

They said I could leave my socks on, and so I slipped those booties around my socks. Oh how I amuse myself.

Kinda-Friendly Nurse then walked in and asked if she could go over some post-procedure instructions. So I'm on Doxycycline and Medrol (steroids) for a week, and progesterone suppositories three times daily. As I'm mentally planning on how I'm going to have to be discreet about doing this at work this week, she casually throws in that we're expected to be back for embryo transfer on Saturday, in six days. But, I sputtered, aren't we doing a day 3 transfer? She shook her head and said they almost always only do day 6 transfers now, which I then sorta panicked because I know nothing about day 6 transfers. I mean, I know it's an embryo on day 3, a blastocyst on day 5... what comes after that...?! Is it still a blastocyst?

My high school Biology teacher would be so disappointed.

DH soon came back in to join me, which was great because it was weird lying on the bed, just being left to my own thoughts for that long. Collection went well, he said, and when he saw me in my hospital gear, I think things really hit for us that this is really happening. Kinda-Friendly Nurse came back to draw an IV but because my right arm has been super spent given all these daily blood draws, she tried the left arm. After jabbing me three times in the left arm with a huge needle and silently muttering how annoyed she was that she couldn't get the catheter in because my vein was too thin, she finally gave up and said that she'll have someone else come in to do it. Super Friendly Nurse came in after a good 20 minutes, jabbed me on the top of my right hand (which proceeded to hurt like hell) and stuck the catheter in. But she did it in one jab and she was in. That's why she gets to be Super Friendly Nurse and Kinda Friendly Nurse gets her designation as such.

Fast forward to thirty minutes later and the doctor who performed the retrieval came in. He was a nice older gentleman, with very kind eyes and a great smile. I recognized him as one of the founders of the clinic and remembered reading about his years of experience and accolades for research innovations in the field of infertility. Made me feel tons better instantly. Then he assured us that everything would be OK and that it would be a quick and easy procedure. Great bedside manner does the trick, every time. The anesthesiologist then came in and did his little spiel, and then the meet and greet was over. Time to get started. I gave a quick wave to DH and walked into the cold, dark procedure room.

Fifteen minutes later, I woke up after hearing DH's voice in the background. I quickly figured out that I was out of the procedure room but something prompted me to groggily say, "Oh man, I dreamed that we were late to the appointment. Are we late? Did we make it?" DH later told me I actually said that in front of the nurses who wheeled me back into the recovery area... embarrassing but I bet they have heard weirder things coming from people waking up after anesthesia. According to DH, for some reason, I also kept trying to slap the band from the blood pressure monitor off my arm as the nurse tried to put it on. I don't remember that so I think he made that part up.

I also don't remember this part of recovery: The doctor came in and informed us that the procedure was a success and we retrieved a good number of eggs. He promised an exact number once they were settled in the embryology lab.

Presumably because I wasn't super heavily anesthetized, I was kinda alert within 20 minutes of being wheeled out. Since I was required to stay in recovery for at least an hour, DH and I kept ourselves entertained with the lady in recovery next to us who was a super difficult patient, much to the chagrin of the nurses, but who also said some pretty amusing things under anesthesia. I won't repeat them because I do feel her pain. Then the nurse walked in and showed me a piece of paper with the number 10 written on it. "This is how many we got," she announced, almost proudly. Ten eggs... I beamed like a mother hen.

I'm feeling a lot more relaxed now that retrieval is over. But I am anxiously waiting for tomorrow's news. The embryologist will call tomorrow to confirm how many of the 10 eggs get fertilized. As for the rest of the week, the adage "no news is good news" goes (i.e., they will only call if something goes wrong). I can't wait to not hear from my nurse this week!

Last exam before retrieval day

Like most human adults, I usually like sleeping in on Saturday mornings. Not today though; after triggering at 11:30 pm last night (on the dot no less) and a rather sleepless night, I hopped out of bed like a happy sailor, jump into semi-comfortable clothes, and make my 30-minute drive to Morristown for my last bloodwork and ultrasound before the retrieval tomorrow. All the while, my mind wandered around like a lost puppy - from being incredibly optimistic to swearing off any last minute craziness from my hormonally-raged body that might cause tomorrow's retrieval to be canceled.

Thankfully, everything went well. Even though it was an extremely packed waiting room today (I ended up having to sit between two guys nervously twitching in their seats - everyone knows why they're there) and I had to wait around for a while before the doctor could see me, RIGHT before she literally walked in on me as I was undressing in the examination room... today's exam continued to yield good news. The ultrasound revealed I have 5 definitely mature follicles (the 21mm-er has grown to a 23-er) and some of the other littler ones are finally getting the memo and trying fervently to join the party by growing up a little bit more. The doctor was very pleased with what she saw, and said we'll definitely have at least 5 tomorrow, probably 10 if the others catch up in time. Once she left, I quickly snapped a picture of one of my ovaries (right one I think) - the black blobs are my lovely, lovely follicles.

Oh, and my E2 level today is 1540. We are moving along.

The nurse called with instructions for tomorrow. No food or drink after midnight tonight and no make-up, jewelry, lotions or fragrances, she said. Au naturale. Just me and my follicles.

In case anyone's wondering, I am nervous about tomorrow. I'm worried about egg number, quality, my recovery. But I know that I've done all that I can do to grow those eggs, to take care of myself... there's nothing left for me to do that I can control from this point on. I hope that things will continue to look positive for us, and that in two weeks, we're looking at a BFP.  Meanwhile, I cleaned the house (in case I'll be too distracted this week) and stocked up on my comfort foods from Trader Joe's (in case I... well, I don't need an excuse to go Trader Joe's).

I am sure I will have something else to worry about next week. But right now, I'm focusing on tomorrow. One thing is for sure: I'm ready for us to take this shot.

Finally done stimming!

Right from the horse's (doctor's) mouth: "This is it. You're triggering tonight."

We're FINALLY doing this! This is so crazy. I'm a little in disbelief just thinking about it. This morning's ultrasound revealed what we'd hoped for - the big follicle has grown to a massive 21 mm, we have one 19 mm, and at least 3 in the 15 mm range. The doctor said that the 21 and 19 are definitely mature and we're hoping the 15s will continue to grow a bit more between now and retrieval. He's estimating at least 5 follicles that will produce 5 hopefully good eggs to be retrieved. My estradiol level has also doubled since yesterday - I'm now at a respectable 1094! (Just shy of five days ago, I was only in the high 80's).

Before the scan though, I kinda "knew" that my follicles were growing. I've been feeling sharp pains on my right and left sides for the past few nights. I just imagine my follicles slowly but determinedly pushing their way through an already overcrowded ovary.

This week was such an eventful one but also one I have learned so much from. It has shown me just how amazing human biology works. It also made me realize just how my doctors are like magicians, in a way. I'm thinking they're all holed up in a dark room filled with colorful, smoky potions, mixing stuff together, adding a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and then POOF! My magical drug cocktail, served in a tall glass with a teeny tiny umbrella but with a very sharp needle. (I also think they'd chant something like, folliculus enlargus! but that's just for dramatics.) But truly though, it seems that my doctors have finally figured out the ideal dosage that works for me, which is wonderful. They also stuck with me, gave me a chance to prove my follicular worth, and did not cancel my cycle, even though they had a good reason to do so. So this week also made me realize that we're not in this alone. Fortunately for us, we have trained, knowledgeable people who are holding the helm, being our expert navigators. So I have the comfort of knowing that even if it doesn't work out this time, we are not alone and we have a good information base that would help steer us in the right direction for the next cycle.

(Ideally of course, we won't need a new cycle because this one will be perfect and work out just the way we hope and pray for.)

So I'm saying adios to the Follistim and Lupron for now (more like "good riddance" really - they have sufficiently beaten my system into submission). I'm doing two trigger shots of Ovidrel (HCG) at precisely 11:30 pm tonight. Retrieval will subsequently be at 11:30 am Sunday morning. All down to a science.

Ovidrel trigger shot... a little voice that says "pew pew" inside my head

It feels like we've crossed a huge hurdle in this process, but honestly, the journey has just begun. Fingers crossed - we'll have good news the rest of the way.

Glimmer of hope

So we have a slight turn of events today. At this morning's ultrasound, the doctor found that my follicles are actually growing (I guess the hot water bottle's helping). The largest follicle measured at a whopping 19mm (anything about 18 mm is usually mature), another at 18 mm and a couple at 15 mm. So they are a lot more optimistic and allowing me to continue my meds for an extra day just to see if these 15s grow a little more. If we do have at least 4 mature follicles, we are likely to go for IVF this weekend after all! (OMG)

My estradiol level was at 694, so it's more than doubled since the last couple of days. Moving in the right direction so far hopefully. But I'm not banking on it until I hear the word from the doctor's mouth.

Another doctor's visit tomorrow, so more updates coming up.

Help, my follicles aren't growing!

Considering it is Valentine's Day, I was hoping to start the day with some good news from the clinic, but it was a disappointing visit. From Sunday's visit, I was REALLY concerned that my follicles won't grow large and fast enough to be retrieved. When I researched online, many women said they started eating lots of dairy and using hot water bottles at night to stimulate follicle growth. So I bought a tub of ice-cream and a gallon of milk, and I've been snuggling with my hot water bottle for the past two nights. Turns out my fears were accurate: this morning's ultrasound revealed that I now have a grand total of... TWO follicles that seem to be responding and growing (a 15 mm and a 14 mm). Others are still slow and sluggish.

So the doc said that we may have to cancel the cycle. He explained that it's not worth going through the entire IVF procedure, only to collect two eggs that are simply OK (they usually like to have at least 5-7 mature follicles; anything less indicate lower chances of success). Further, having produced awesome-looking follicles in past cycles (like 20 mm ones), the doc thinks that I could definitely make better follicles given the right dosage of meds. (He actually said, "I know you could better," like any of this is under my control at all). This cycle, they started me out slow because I'm younger and they wanted to risk overstimulating me. I understand all of that but I really wish they had not gone conservative with my treatment plan.

Upon hearing this, I drove home from the clinic feeling completely in despair. Been waiting for the dreaded call from the nurse all day for her "I'm sorry, but Dr. M thinks that we should cancel the cycle... yadda yadda yadda" message. DH isn't really sure why I'm so upset about this; it doesn't seem rational to be so upset over something I never had. But all that time, those meds... all for nothing. It's not that simple to pull the plug and say, "OK what's next?" No one really understands how each cycle is an emotional investment and when the cycle fails, it sucks like hell because you go through yet another month lacking the slightest hint of hope or success.

Update: the nurse just called and for some reason, my RE is still hopeful that those little follicles will just snap out of it and have a growth spurt over the next two days. So we're maintaining a high dosage of meds (300 units of Follistim, 30 units of low-dose HCG and 5 units of Lupron) and hope that they start growing. Yay? Who knows? All I know is I'm snuggling with my hot water bottle again tonight.

Another tiny speck of good news is that my estradiol levels have more than doubled since the change in the dosage two days ago. I'm now up to a whopping 294 (not great, but whatever). Probably explains why I've been super agitated with everything and everyone lately.

Back to the doctor on Thursday.

Frantic

Today was my cycle day 6 bloodwork and ultrasound. Freaking out a bit right now because my follicles are not growing as much as they should. The doc only found one follicle on the right ovary that was 11mm and the rest are still below 10 mm (although, they did look kinda big on the ultrasound to me... who knows? I guess the doctor knows since he did go to school to know stuff like that... hopefully). He did say though that it looks like they're finally starting to grow, but that doesn't ease my mind. Then more bad news: the blood test reveals that my estradiol levels are still somewhat low - around 87. They'd like to see it higher as well. So they're increasing my meds again to 300 units of Follistim, 5 units of Lupron and 30 units of low-dose HCG. I guess I don't have the risk of being hyperstimulated... I have quite the opposite problem.

Honestly, I am getting worried about why my body isn't physically responding to the medication as well as it should. So as I usually do, I went online and read a bunch of online posts to find out more. I read about how some women just do not respond well to the meds, and as a result, their IVF cycles get canceled. Canceled! After all these fertility drugs! I feel so bad for them. And then I feel fearful for myself that this will happen to me as well. As you can imagine, lots of anticipation have been built up towards retrieving and fertilizing those eggs this week. It will absolutely be a giant letdown if we got this far only to not be given the opportunity to even try our luck at this.

Somebody get me off this emotional rollercoaster! Not only do these fertility drugs make me sick to my stomach and I am constantly bloating/burping/gassy all the time, my mood is completely out of whack, I'm emotional and cranky at the same time; I snap at DH, at my rude students (well, they kinda deserved that one). One minute I'm a ticking time bomb, the next minute a love song comes on the radio and I get choked up. All of this and I don't even get to try... please say it isn't so!

This is making me weepy and angry again, so I'm taking a nap. More tests on Tuesday.