I'm annoyed with the Pope

I never thought I'd write a blog entry with this title, but there is a first time for everything. I am annoyed with the Pope. He issued a statement recently saying that married couples should shun IVF and all artificial forms of conception, and that adopting these methods of conception reflect a form of human arrogance. In fact, he said, you should only be able to conceive by having sex naturally.

Whoa. Alert the presses. Maybe we were doing it wrong all this time! *doink*

As you can tell, I have a couple of issues with this statement. First, this statement is coming from a single, celibate man. (I guess I could just stop at one, but it wouldn't be a very interesting blog post).

Second, while we aren't particularly religious, we respect those who are or aren't. But I am annoyed when some religious figure (who again, will never have to worry about this problem himself) tries to impose his will and religious beliefs onto others.

Third issue is this: the idea that ANY of the entire fertility treatment process reflects human arrogance, is just ludicrous and ignorant. Does he really believe that infertile couples or individuals are utilizing reproductive technologies simply because of arrogance? Let's analyze a synopsis of what we have done in this process (so far):

• Splaying my legs open in stirrups to a doctor at 6:30 am clinic visits (not arrogant)
• Getting ultrasound probed and having an ungodly amount of blood drawn (not arrogant)
• Making "deposits" into a plastic cup with your name on it, after given some "personal time" with a 1980's dirty magazine and a VCR (not arrogant)
• Having to tell the nurse that you've made the deposit and wait in line to deposit the "deposit" to the andrology lab (definitely not arrogant)
• Being placed under anesthesia, while a doctor harvests my eggs with a long but very sharp needle (sounds like a science experiment, but still not arrogant)
• Injecting shot after shot after shot of painful, raging, mood-inducing hormones with questionable substance compounds (stupid, but not arrogant) 
• Peeing on a stick, and then prancing back and forth in that bathroom waiting for that magical second line that has never appeared for us (sad and disappointing, every single time)

All of these reflect, if anything, a degree of desperation - a far cry from being arrogant. In fact, I'd argue, it is the complete opposite of human arrogance. Infertility means having to admit to the world that you have difficulty conceiving, a basic human function and desire for most people. It takes away hopes and dreams, and exposes you to a very raw form of human emotion. Without reproductive technologies, we would be nowhere closer towards achieving our hope and dream of having a child.

Reproductive technologies, I surmise, in the words of believers, are god-sent, created for the sole reason of fulfilling one's basic human desire to have a child. I mean, if everything was to take its course naturally, then the invention of medicine in general is pointless. Why invent penicillin? Why find a cure for cancer or AIDS?

What the Pope and so many others need to comprehend is that infertility is a disease, and it is not a proud one. You don't see anyone screaming off the rooftops: "I have low sperm count!!!" or "I cannot ovulate on my own!!!" While I do acknowledge the hand we've been dealt, I refuse to accept it at face value and wait around for a miracle to happen. I am not backing down without a fight.

Some miracles are meant to be made. And not anyone, not even the Pope, can make us believe otherwise.

And then there were four

Call from the embryologist: We have four blastocysts that made the cut to be cryopreserved. That's good, I guess... four out of the original seven fertilized embryos. We won't hear back from them until a few days later when they will share with us the results of the embryo's grades.

So now we wait some more.

Note on wall: "Bang Head Here"

Sigh. I thought we were on a roll with good news.

We got a call from the clinic today that our embryos are not ready for transfer tomorrow, as planned. Out of the seven fertilized embryos, 6 made it to morula stage. Unfortunately, because none have transformed into blasts yet, our RE really wanted them to grow for an extra day or so to see which ones make it to blastocysts.

I asked why we couldn't just transfer on Sunday (a day later instead). Unfortunately, because there is dysynchrony between my uterine lining and the embryo growth, it would not be the most ideal situation for successful implantation.  The RE explained it to me this way: our embryos were growing at like day 4 1/2, while my uterine lining was at day 6. Even though the difference is literally a 12-24 hour window, it lowers our pregnancy rates dramatically.

So we were basically left at a crossroads: cancel the cycle completely and dispose of our embryos, or cancel the transfer, freeze the blasts that make it into day 6, and do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in the next cycle. I did a bunch of research and asked a lot of questions before we made a decision. It somehow choked me to think that a morula consists of 10 - 30 cells. 10-30 cells that will continue to divide and hopefully form a human being. 10-30 cells of our combined DNA, our potential offspring. At this stage, these tiny cells became less of an abstract outcome of science and more of a miracle of life.

Cost-aside, we were advised that FET would be the option to give the best chance possible for those embryos (and for ourselves).

However, cost WAS an issue as our insurance does not cover cryopreservations, and so it'd have to be out of pocket. Upon sharing our concerns about cost, my RE actually gave us a 25% discount on cryo because she really wanted this to happen for us and didn't want cost to be standing in our way. I love my RE!

Well, so that is where we are. Truth be told, we are disappointed but the results could have been so much worse. At least we have 6 embryos that seem to be making it at this point! On the other hand, it means more waiting, more meds, another cycle to endure. Everything in this cycle was going right... so it sucked to have another bump in the road to parenthood. Patience is truly a virtue in the IVF process.

The clinic will call us back tomorrow with the number of blasts that get frozen. Meanwhile, I guess I should make the most of it. I could use a drink anyway.

No news is still good news

Thankfully, still no call from the clinic, so I'm strongly holding on to the hope that things are still going well, our 7 embryos are still holding strong and are chugging along fine. Admittedly, I've been quite... okay, VERY preoccupied this week, googling up a storm for more information on IVF that I've read over and over again. I'm starting to think I'm going crazy because I keep doing the same thing and I'm nowhere closer to feeling completely at ease. I've also been visiting many online fertility communities, desperately trying to find other women who are going as crazy as I am this week. (Incredibly, I found a woman who not only goes to the same clinic as I do, but she also had her embryo retrieval on Sunday - the day that I did - by the SAME doctor!) I feel like I have a cycle buddy!

In two days, we'll find out how many of our 7 embryos made it through the ringer. DH and I are super anxious... I'm worried sick if we don't have any (or too few) embryos to transfer, whereas DH is super anxious if we have all 7 embryos and they'll have to pick two really good ones. We've opted not to do cryopreservation this cycle, given the cost and given that this is our first attempt at IVF. Fortunately, we have excellent health benefits that will extend up to 4 IVFs per lifetime... but of course, hopefully we'll only need one successful cycle to lead to one successful pregnancy, and that'd be it!

More updates on Friday.

Fertilization results

It was really weird but I dreamed all night about how many of my eggs would get fertilized. Being the objective pessimist that I am, I think the final count was two, and so I woke up feeling very grumpy about my dream.

Fortunately dreams do not always come true, and I'm happy to say that we have more than 2 eggs fertilized. "Good job!" said the nurse (which she almost always never does, since she usually delivers us bad news). Out of the 10 eggs, 8 were mature. They ICSIed all 8 eggs, and out of the 8, seven were successfully fertilized!

It is kinda amazing to think that right now, there are seven tiny little mini-us's floating around in a petri dish, where I can just envision this kind of conversation happening:

Zygote 1: Yo, what's happening?
Zygote 2: Not much, just dividin'.

Boy, do I crack myself up.

So now we wait until Friday, when we'll get an update on the embryos, which will hopefully be blastocysts by then. If all goes well, the nurse estimates that we're likely doing a Saturday transfer. Until then, I will keep my fingers, toes, eyes, arms, legs crossed, silently praying for more happy news to come our way.

Ten eggs retrieved!

Thought I'd quickly blog about this morning's retrieval and how the process went for us. I'm a little groggy and sore as I type this, but here goes:

After yet another restless night, we got to the clinic around 9:45 am, signed in, and not too long after, DH was called in to the collection room. I waited around for a bit before I was then called to go in to the back wing of the clinic, which I honestly never knew existed. Suddenly the hustle and bustle of the morning monitoring folks disappeared and I ended up stumbling down this empty hallway that slowly looked more and more like a hospital. I was directed to the recovery and procedure room where I was greeted by a super friendly nurse and another kinda-friendly one. The room had maybe five beds, each separated by tall curtains.

Super Friendly Nurse took my vitals (my BP was a little higher, so she thought that I must be nervous... um, yeah) and then asked me to strip down into a pink hospital gown, hair cover and booties. They even throw in a bathrobe for you, coz you know, we're VIP and stuff. When she left, despite my nervousness, I still had the foresight to quietly snap a picture of me in hospital gear.

They said I could leave my socks on, and so I slipped those booties around my socks. Oh how I amuse myself.

Kinda-Friendly Nurse then walked in and asked if she could go over some post-procedure instructions. So I'm on Doxycycline and Medrol (steroids) for a week, and progesterone suppositories three times daily. As I'm mentally planning on how I'm going to have to be discreet about doing this at work this week, she casually throws in that we're expected to be back for embryo transfer on Saturday, in six days. But, I sputtered, aren't we doing a day 3 transfer? She shook her head and said they almost always only do day 6 transfers now, which I then sorta panicked because I know nothing about day 6 transfers. I mean, I know it's an embryo on day 3, a blastocyst on day 5... what comes after that...?! Is it still a blastocyst?

My high school Biology teacher would be so disappointed.

DH soon came back in to join me, which was great because it was weird lying on the bed, just being left to my own thoughts for that long. Collection went well, he said, and when he saw me in my hospital gear, I think things really hit for us that this is really happening. Kinda-Friendly Nurse came back to draw an IV but because my right arm has been super spent given all these daily blood draws, she tried the left arm. After jabbing me three times in the left arm with a huge needle and silently muttering how annoyed she was that she couldn't get the catheter in because my vein was too thin, she finally gave up and said that she'll have someone else come in to do it. Super Friendly Nurse came in after a good 20 minutes, jabbed me on the top of my right hand (which proceeded to hurt like hell) and stuck the catheter in. But she did it in one jab and she was in. That's why she gets to be Super Friendly Nurse and Kinda Friendly Nurse gets her designation as such.

Fast forward to thirty minutes later and the doctor who performed the retrieval came in. He was a nice older gentleman, with very kind eyes and a great smile. I recognized him as one of the founders of the clinic and remembered reading about his years of experience and accolades for research innovations in the field of infertility. Made me feel tons better instantly. Then he assured us that everything would be OK and that it would be a quick and easy procedure. Great bedside manner does the trick, every time. The anesthesiologist then came in and did his little spiel, and then the meet and greet was over. Time to get started. I gave a quick wave to DH and walked into the cold, dark procedure room.

Fifteen minutes later, I woke up after hearing DH's voice in the background. I quickly figured out that I was out of the procedure room but something prompted me to groggily say, "Oh man, I dreamed that we were late to the appointment. Are we late? Did we make it?" DH later told me I actually said that in front of the nurses who wheeled me back into the recovery area... embarrassing but I bet they have heard weirder things coming from people waking up after anesthesia. According to DH, for some reason, I also kept trying to slap the band from the blood pressure monitor off my arm as the nurse tried to put it on. I don't remember that so I think he made that part up.

I also don't remember this part of recovery: The doctor came in and informed us that the procedure was a success and we retrieved a good number of eggs. He promised an exact number once they were settled in the embryology lab.

Presumably because I wasn't super heavily anesthetized, I was kinda alert within 20 minutes of being wheeled out. Since I was required to stay in recovery for at least an hour, DH and I kept ourselves entertained with the lady in recovery next to us who was a super difficult patient, much to the chagrin of the nurses, but who also said some pretty amusing things under anesthesia. I won't repeat them because I do feel her pain. Then the nurse walked in and showed me a piece of paper with the number 10 written on it. "This is how many we got," she announced, almost proudly. Ten eggs... I beamed like a mother hen.

I'm feeling a lot more relaxed now that retrieval is over. But I am anxiously waiting for tomorrow's news. The embryologist will call tomorrow to confirm how many of the 10 eggs get fertilized. As for the rest of the week, the adage "no news is good news" goes (i.e., they will only call if something goes wrong). I can't wait to not hear from my nurse this week!

Last exam before retrieval day

Like most human adults, I usually like sleeping in on Saturday mornings. Not today though; after triggering at 11:30 pm last night (on the dot no less) and a rather sleepless night, I hopped out of bed like a happy sailor, jump into semi-comfortable clothes, and make my 30-minute drive to Morristown for my last bloodwork and ultrasound before the retrieval tomorrow. All the while, my mind wandered around like a lost puppy - from being incredibly optimistic to swearing off any last minute craziness from my hormonally-raged body that might cause tomorrow's retrieval to be canceled.

Thankfully, everything went well. Even though it was an extremely packed waiting room today (I ended up having to sit between two guys nervously twitching in their seats - everyone knows why they're there) and I had to wait around for a while before the doctor could see me, RIGHT before she literally walked in on me as I was undressing in the examination room... today's exam continued to yield good news. The ultrasound revealed I have 5 definitely mature follicles (the 21mm-er has grown to a 23-er) and some of the other littler ones are finally getting the memo and trying fervently to join the party by growing up a little bit more. The doctor was very pleased with what she saw, and said we'll definitely have at least 5 tomorrow, probably 10 if the others catch up in time. Once she left, I quickly snapped a picture of one of my ovaries (right one I think) - the black blobs are my lovely, lovely follicles.

Oh, and my E2 level today is 1540. We are moving along.

The nurse called with instructions for tomorrow. No food or drink after midnight tonight and no make-up, jewelry, lotions or fragrances, she said. Au naturale. Just me and my follicles.

In case anyone's wondering, I am nervous about tomorrow. I'm worried about egg number, quality, my recovery. But I know that I've done all that I can do to grow those eggs, to take care of myself... there's nothing left for me to do that I can control from this point on. I hope that things will continue to look positive for us, and that in two weeks, we're looking at a BFP.  Meanwhile, I cleaned the house (in case I'll be too distracted this week) and stocked up on my comfort foods from Trader Joe's (in case I... well, I don't need an excuse to go Trader Joe's).

I am sure I will have something else to worry about next week. But right now, I'm focusing on tomorrow. One thing is for sure: I'm ready for us to take this shot.

Finally done stimming!

Right from the horse's (doctor's) mouth: "This is it. You're triggering tonight."

We're FINALLY doing this! This is so crazy. I'm a little in disbelief just thinking about it. This morning's ultrasound revealed what we'd hoped for - the big follicle has grown to a massive 21 mm, we have one 19 mm, and at least 3 in the 15 mm range. The doctor said that the 21 and 19 are definitely mature and we're hoping the 15s will continue to grow a bit more between now and retrieval. He's estimating at least 5 follicles that will produce 5 hopefully good eggs to be retrieved. My estradiol level has also doubled since yesterday - I'm now at a respectable 1094! (Just shy of five days ago, I was only in the high 80's).

Before the scan though, I kinda "knew" that my follicles were growing. I've been feeling sharp pains on my right and left sides for the past few nights. I just imagine my follicles slowly but determinedly pushing their way through an already overcrowded ovary.

This week was such an eventful one but also one I have learned so much from. It has shown me just how amazing human biology works. It also made me realize just how my doctors are like magicians, in a way. I'm thinking they're all holed up in a dark room filled with colorful, smoky potions, mixing stuff together, adding a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and then POOF! My magical drug cocktail, served in a tall glass with a teeny tiny umbrella but with a very sharp needle. (I also think they'd chant something like, folliculus enlargus! but that's just for dramatics.) But truly though, it seems that my doctors have finally figured out the ideal dosage that works for me, which is wonderful. They also stuck with me, gave me a chance to prove my follicular worth, and did not cancel my cycle, even though they had a good reason to do so. So this week also made me realize that we're not in this alone. Fortunately for us, we have trained, knowledgeable people who are holding the helm, being our expert navigators. So I have the comfort of knowing that even if it doesn't work out this time, we are not alone and we have a good information base that would help steer us in the right direction for the next cycle.

(Ideally of course, we won't need a new cycle because this one will be perfect and work out just the way we hope and pray for.)

So I'm saying adios to the Follistim and Lupron for now (more like "good riddance" really - they have sufficiently beaten my system into submission). I'm doing two trigger shots of Ovidrel (HCG) at precisely 11:30 pm tonight. Retrieval will subsequently be at 11:30 am Sunday morning. All down to a science.

Ovidrel trigger shot... a little voice that says "pew pew" inside my head

It feels like we've crossed a huge hurdle in this process, but honestly, the journey has just begun. Fingers crossed - we'll have good news the rest of the way.

Glimmer of hope

So we have a slight turn of events today. At this morning's ultrasound, the doctor found that my follicles are actually growing (I guess the hot water bottle's helping). The largest follicle measured at a whopping 19mm (anything about 18 mm is usually mature), another at 18 mm and a couple at 15 mm. So they are a lot more optimistic and allowing me to continue my meds for an extra day just to see if these 15s grow a little more. If we do have at least 4 mature follicles, we are likely to go for IVF this weekend after all! (OMG)

My estradiol level was at 694, so it's more than doubled since the last couple of days. Moving in the right direction so far hopefully. But I'm not banking on it until I hear the word from the doctor's mouth.

Another doctor's visit tomorrow, so more updates coming up.

Help, my follicles aren't growing!

Considering it is Valentine's Day, I was hoping to start the day with some good news from the clinic, but it was a disappointing visit. From Sunday's visit, I was REALLY concerned that my follicles won't grow large and fast enough to be retrieved. When I researched online, many women said they started eating lots of dairy and using hot water bottles at night to stimulate follicle growth. So I bought a tub of ice-cream and a gallon of milk, and I've been snuggling with my hot water bottle for the past two nights. Turns out my fears were accurate: this morning's ultrasound revealed that I now have a grand total of... TWO follicles that seem to be responding and growing (a 15 mm and a 14 mm). Others are still slow and sluggish.

So the doc said that we may have to cancel the cycle. He explained that it's not worth going through the entire IVF procedure, only to collect two eggs that are simply OK (they usually like to have at least 5-7 mature follicles; anything less indicate lower chances of success). Further, having produced awesome-looking follicles in past cycles (like 20 mm ones), the doc thinks that I could definitely make better follicles given the right dosage of meds. (He actually said, "I know you could better," like any of this is under my control at all). This cycle, they started me out slow because I'm younger and they wanted to risk overstimulating me. I understand all of that but I really wish they had not gone conservative with my treatment plan.

Upon hearing this, I drove home from the clinic feeling completely in despair. Been waiting for the dreaded call from the nurse all day for her "I'm sorry, but Dr. M thinks that we should cancel the cycle... yadda yadda yadda" message. DH isn't really sure why I'm so upset about this; it doesn't seem rational to be so upset over something I never had. But all that time, those meds... all for nothing. It's not that simple to pull the plug and say, "OK what's next?" No one really understands how each cycle is an emotional investment and when the cycle fails, it sucks like hell because you go through yet another month lacking the slightest hint of hope or success.

Update: the nurse just called and for some reason, my RE is still hopeful that those little follicles will just snap out of it and have a growth spurt over the next two days. So we're maintaining a high dosage of meds (300 units of Follistim, 30 units of low-dose HCG and 5 units of Lupron) and hope that they start growing. Yay? Who knows? All I know is I'm snuggling with my hot water bottle again tonight.

Another tiny speck of good news is that my estradiol levels have more than doubled since the change in the dosage two days ago. I'm now up to a whopping 294 (not great, but whatever). Probably explains why I've been super agitated with everything and everyone lately.

Back to the doctor on Thursday.

Frantic

Today was my cycle day 6 bloodwork and ultrasound. Freaking out a bit right now because my follicles are not growing as much as they should. The doc only found one follicle on the right ovary that was 11mm and the rest are still below 10 mm (although, they did look kinda big on the ultrasound to me... who knows? I guess the doctor knows since he did go to school to know stuff like that... hopefully). He did say though that it looks like they're finally starting to grow, but that doesn't ease my mind. Then more bad news: the blood test reveals that my estradiol levels are still somewhat low - around 87. They'd like to see it higher as well. So they're increasing my meds again to 300 units of Follistim, 5 units of Lupron and 30 units of low-dose HCG. I guess I don't have the risk of being hyperstimulated... I have quite the opposite problem.

Honestly, I am getting worried about why my body isn't physically responding to the medication as well as it should. So as I usually do, I went online and read a bunch of online posts to find out more. I read about how some women just do not respond well to the meds, and as a result, their IVF cycles get canceled. Canceled! After all these fertility drugs! I feel so bad for them. And then I feel fearful for myself that this will happen to me as well. As you can imagine, lots of anticipation have been built up towards retrieving and fertilizing those eggs this week. It will absolutely be a giant letdown if we got this far only to not be given the opportunity to even try our luck at this.

Somebody get me off this emotional rollercoaster! Not only do these fertility drugs make me sick to my stomach and I am constantly bloating/burping/gassy all the time, my mood is completely out of whack, I'm emotional and cranky at the same time; I snap at DH, at my rude students (well, they kinda deserved that one). One minute I'm a ticking time bomb, the next minute a love song comes on the radio and I get choked up. All of this and I don't even get to try... please say it isn't so!

This is making me weepy and angry again, so I'm taking a nap. More tests on Tuesday.

Follicle stimulation

This morning I had to go in for more bloodwork and ultrasound. They do this every few days now since the eggs are growing. The doc said that I had 9 follicles left growing in the left ovary ('twas 15 three days ago), but then he goes, look, right ovary is catching up with 7 follicles... one of them has grown to almost 10mm! As the ideal follicle size is 18-20mm, and follicles grow on average 2 mm a day, my follicles need some reinforcements. So we're increasing my Follistim dosage from 150 units to 225 units. That seemed a lot to me so I asked about ovary hyperstimulation, and my nurse assured me that they're simply upping it now to help my little follies grow faster. We'll monitor this carefully for the next few days and reduce if we need to. But everything looks good so far - my estrogen levels are rising and I have many follicles, which is "great!" - as my nurse puts it enthusiastically.

I asked the "when are we doing this?" question and she was able to give me a "window" of potential retrieval dates. Right now, if my follicles continue to grow, we are looking retrieving the eggs on Feb 16 or 17. I'm banking on Feb 17 because it's a Friday and I won't have to worry about canceling classes on Feb 16. But since I haven't really had a say in this whole fertility business, the wait-and-see approach works too.

Back in on Sunday for more tests.

IVF = In Vitro Fears

Today is not a productive day. I keep getting distracted every 5 minutes, googling up things like "IVF blogs" and "IVF success rates." It's day 4 since my IVF cycle officially started, and I'm getting a little antsy. I keep counting in my head when the potential transfer day may be... I don't know yet. That's the problem with fertility treatments - you honestly don't know when and how things happen, even in a completely planned process like IVF. I don't know how some couples manage to do this given a crazy schedule; I am very thankful for a fairly flexible schedule in academia that allows me to do this. So we take one day at a time and we simply go with the flow.

But I digress. As the title of this blog post goes, I started imagining some of the things that could go wrong in this process. Seems to be my go-to defense mechanism. So here are my top ten IVFs (witty comment included):

1. "maybe I won't have any follicles and/or eggs by the time of retrieval" (unlikely, but as Justin Bieber says, never say never)

2. having a needle probe vaginally and then having my eggs sucked out in a needle (**major IVF)

3. "what if they poked them too hard and my best egg breaks?"(I didn't say this was a rational list)

4. "what if there were NO good eggs?" (10% of women don't produce mature enough eggs, and I seem to always be in the statistic of being 10% of everything)

5. "what if none of the eggs decide to fertilize?" (all I can say is DH's boys better bring their A game that day and my girls practice their Malaysian hospitality)

6. and the flip side: "what if ALL of the eggs decide to fertilize and they're ALL good eggs? Who gets to be picked or who doesn't?"

So we only get to transfer two; the rest can be cryopreserved, donated to another couple, donated to science, or unfortunately, discarded. It seems like a moral issue to us but at the same time, we're both realists. So even after multiple discussions, we honestly don't know what we are going to do about this yet.

7. "what if we have multiples?" 
We'd love to have twins, but triplets or more could be a real issue for us. The risk of multiples go up in IVFs. Check out this couple. I wish we are just 1/4 as lucky as this couple... we only need one!

8. "what if it doesn't stick?" 
Our fertility clinic publishes these summary reports to determine the success rates of IVF. As you can see, the percentage for live births for women under 35 is 65%, which is phenomenal. So I know we are in good hands. But, what if it doesn't stick?

9. "If I do get pregnant, what if there are complications with the pregnancy?" (I guess this question goes with any pregnancy, IVF or not)

10. "What if this cycle fails and I have to do this all over again?" (Honestly, this may be my biggest fear).

So I guess it's true to say that we hope for the best but best prepare for the worst.

Day 1 IVF Cycle Begins

Woke up early this morning to the fertility clinic for bloodwork and ultrasound to see if I'm ready to begin my IVF cycle officially. Was a bit nervous waiting for the results since we had to cancel our last cycle due to unusually high estrogen levels... which was disappointing. Money and time wasted aside, it just seemed like we didn't even get a chance to try and all we could do was wait around for another cycle to begin. That's really how this whole process makes you feel - completely and utterly out of control.

But thankfully though, everything checked out OK today and my body is doing what it is supposed to do (or the meds are making my body do what it is supposed to do). Doc said I had about 15 follicles developing in my left ovary, so it definitely seems like the left one is far more active than the right. So we are officially starting our first IVF cycle today! Which means... three different injectables (Lupron, Follistim, and low-dose HCG) for now. Oh my dear god.

DH gets to join me on the medication bandwagon too - he will be on antibiotics for the next 12 days. Another appointment scheduled on Friday for more bloodwork and ultrasound... I am absolutely hoping that we're headed in the right direction.

The Journey Has Begun

I'm not new to blogging but recent changes in my life have inspired me to blog about my and my husband's journey through the dreaded "I" word... infertility. In a nutshell, I am 30 years old and my husband (hereby known as DH) is 33. Our story is not extremely unique - we are both working professionals currently living on the East Coast, happily married for almost 5 years, spent 2.5 years in a commuter marriage for work... and we have spent more than 2 years trying to conceive a child.

In January 2011, I was diagnosed with PCOS: polycystic ovarian syndrome - a syndrome my OBGYN described as a "severe hormonal imbalance." He told me while there's no definitive test (like a blood test) for PCOS, I had the telltale symptoms. I also know I have PCOS because it seems to run in my family - my sister too battles with infertility. As for DH, the doctors described him as "subfertile," a term that he didn't quite appreciate let alone understand, but certainly appreciated more than "infertile." So there we have it - the both of us seemingly have contributing issues to the problem.

At this point in our journey, we recognize that we need help conceiving a child and have begun to seek fertility treatments through a reproductive clinic in New Jersey since March 2011. After a series of tests (many that require waking up and driving groggily to the fertility clinic at 6 am before work) involving countless needles, a ton of ultrasounds, and quite possibly about 100 vials of blood drawn between the two of us - and- two failed IUI attempts later, we have been convinced by our reproductive endocrinologist (RE) that in-vitro fertilization (IVF) was the way to go. And so it begins.

My hope is that by writing and blogging about my experiences, I am first able to have a "go to" place to vent about this sometimes difficult/ often awkward to discuss process. It is a selfish reason, but I can't emphasize how much I need a space like this. While a few close friends and family members are somewhat in the know about this, few and far in between really "know" what we're doing and to what extent this is affecting our lives. Further, at my current phase where it feels like everyone, and I mean, everyone around me is getting pregnant, I just kinda hate to be Debbie Downer ("Um, yeah, the test was negative... Again. [Awkward pause]. Now, tell me how blissfully happy you are being pregnant again?")

Plus, I don't know about you, but words like "cervix" or "semen" just always seem to be a dead-on conversation killer.

So writing is, I think, the best way to keep myself somewhat sane in an insane world. And believe me, when you're taking up to 7 different medications a day and injecting yourself with ground-up Chinese hamster ovary cells (I swear, that's what they put in the little magical drug known as Follistim), you're gonna think that you're crazy for doing this as well.

But as crazy as this process is, it is just as precious... in fact, too precious to be left unwritten. Perhaps we don't have it as "easy" as other couples who conceive naturally (I put easy in quotation marks because let's face it, natural conception is not that easy although it seems easy for some people) because it helps us realize just how badly we want children. We are past the whole feeling sorry for ourselves and saying "this is unfair"; instead, we are willing to work hard and understand the science behind this truly intriguing process. And while we certainly have struggles every now and then, we have faith that this process will eventually make us stronger - both individually and as a family.

Fingers crossed, I'd love for Future Baby Nichols to see this wonderful process of his/her origin and know just how much we really wanted him/her before he/she even existed on this earth. Hopefully we can also look back on this process with a smile and continue to remind ourselves everyday that it was totally worth it.

So if anyone passes through this blog, I hope you know that you are not alone. It is rough, tough, and definitely icky at times, but somewhere in this blogosphere, we are two people who really get it.