The Journey Has Begun

I'm not new to blogging but recent changes in my life have inspired me to blog about my and my husband's journey through the dreaded "I" word... infertility. In a nutshell, I am 30 years old and my husband (hereby known as DH) is 33. Our story is not extremely unique - we are both working professionals currently living on the East Coast, happily married for almost 5 years, spent 2.5 years in a commuter marriage for work... and we have spent more than 2 years trying to conceive a child.

In January 2011, I was diagnosed with PCOS: polycystic ovarian syndrome - a syndrome my OBGYN described as a "severe hormonal imbalance." He told me while there's no definitive test (like a blood test) for PCOS, I had the telltale symptoms. I also know I have PCOS because it seems to run in my family - my sister too battles with infertility. As for DH, the doctors described him as "subfertile," a term that he didn't quite appreciate let alone understand, but certainly appreciated more than "infertile." So there we have it - the both of us seemingly have contributing issues to the problem.

At this point in our journey, we recognize that we need help conceiving a child and have begun to seek fertility treatments through a reproductive clinic in New Jersey since March 2011. After a series of tests (many that require waking up and driving groggily to the fertility clinic at 6 am before work) involving countless needles, a ton of ultrasounds, and quite possibly about 100 vials of blood drawn between the two of us - and- two failed IUI attempts later, we have been convinced by our reproductive endocrinologist (RE) that in-vitro fertilization (IVF) was the way to go. And so it begins.

My hope is that by writing and blogging about my experiences, I am first able to have a "go to" place to vent about this sometimes difficult/ often awkward to discuss process. It is a selfish reason, but I can't emphasize how much I need a space like this. While a few close friends and family members are somewhat in the know about this, few and far in between really "know" what we're doing and to what extent this is affecting our lives. Further, at my current phase where it feels like everyone, and I mean, everyone around me is getting pregnant, I just kinda hate to be Debbie Downer ("Um, yeah, the test was negative... Again. [Awkward pause]. Now, tell me how blissfully happy you are being pregnant again?")

Plus, I don't know about you, but words like "cervix" or "semen" just always seem to be a dead-on conversation killer.

So writing is, I think, the best way to keep myself somewhat sane in an insane world. And believe me, when you're taking up to 7 different medications a day and injecting yourself with ground-up Chinese hamster ovary cells (I swear, that's what they put in the little magical drug known as Follistim), you're gonna think that you're crazy for doing this as well.

But as crazy as this process is, it is just as precious... in fact, too precious to be left unwritten. Perhaps we don't have it as "easy" as other couples who conceive naturally (I put easy in quotation marks because let's face it, natural conception is not that easy although it seems easy for some people) because it helps us realize just how badly we want children. We are past the whole feeling sorry for ourselves and saying "this is unfair"; instead, we are willing to work hard and understand the science behind this truly intriguing process. And while we certainly have struggles every now and then, we have faith that this process will eventually make us stronger - both individually and as a family.

Fingers crossed, I'd love for Future Baby Nichols to see this wonderful process of his/her origin and know just how much we really wanted him/her before he/she even existed on this earth. Hopefully we can also look back on this process with a smile and continue to remind ourselves everyday that it was totally worth it.

So if anyone passes through this blog, I hope you know that you are not alone. It is rough, tough, and definitely icky at times, but somewhere in this blogosphere, we are two people who really get it.